Journal Entry
by umbreonblue
Summary: Speculation about Hoshitani's past from his POV... and about after his encounter. I'm only doing this as per someone's request.
1. 1

You ever heard about a situation where even if someone is surrounded by people, they're still lonely and miserable? Well... I'm not exactly miserable, but I _am_ lonely.

In the past, I was the class mediator and still am. It's a harder job than you think. I have to deal with everyone's problems _except_ my own.

Even if I allow people in, they all eventually move away, forgetting about me, and leaving me alone. _They ignore my existence_. Sure, my antics in class gets people to crack a smile and laugh, but... it's not the same.

On Sport's Day, I'm the #1 runner. They all count on me but, _really_ , they let me do all the work.

When bullies strike, if I'm there, I usually try to help. It's just a morals thing. Still... punching people _does_ relieve some of the stress.

Those people rely on me _way_ too much.

As for why I just grin and bear it... I can't help that. I'm stubborn. I won't let anyone see my pain. I don't want pity, or to be a burden to anyone. That's the last thing I want.

Have I contemplated suicide before? **Yes** , but I've never attempted it. My father would only worry, get mad at me for being stupid, and ground me to infinity. Mou! He's the only reason I'm still alive right now.

What I want right now... is for _**someone** _ to notice my fake smile, my lonely smile. To see through the facade of my happy-go-lucky persona. To just _**see** _ me.

No one even _truly_ knows me. They don't know that I have origami as a hobby, which I'm _really_ good at by the way, and... they don't know that even I get depressed and cry. ... **OK**. That's kind of my fault for hiding it, but _someone_ should've noticed.

Why should anyone care about how I feel? ... Well..., **how should I know?** I just know that I notice things, the small things no one ever notices or just ignores. That I'm a "naive and somewhat useless idiot."

I'm glad I got that off my chest and mind. I've been bottling it up inside for **years**.

While I doubt anyone is going to read this, let me just say this: "There's more to me than anybody knows, and I plan to keep it that way."

But, despite saying that... I wish someone would prove me wrong. To show me how to change. I... _really_ don't want to feel this way anymore.

 **What am I saying?** Sorry about that. No one should listen (or read) to the rambling (or in this case, writings) of a "uselessly cheerful idiot."


	2. 2

I saw someone dancing in the rain. His performance was beautiful, it looked like he was flying with black wings scattering feathers.

It dazzled me, inspired me. I've **never** felt this way before. Even about running and origami.

And yet... _I ran away before he could see me_... **Ugh! I'm such an idiot!**

He... gave me some hope that I could change.. **No. I want to change.**

I want to see him again, even if only for a brief moment. **Why?** Well... **because**. I feel like if I follow him, I'll find _something_. Whether it's about myself or, something else.

I recognized the emblem on his jacket. Ayanagi Academy, huh... I think I'll go there. **Yes**. I know I'm an amateur, and that there's a slim chance I'll even get in, but... I have to _try_.

I tried to copy his dance from memory. I'm clumsy, but... I still keep at it.

As for what I'll do when I meet him again? ... **I don't know.** I haven't thought that far ahead. Hmm... I'll probably tell him that I admire him, that his dancing is just beautiful. After that... I might follow him like a stray puppy that followed him home..., or something like that.

I'd _never_ tell him how he makes me feel though. Even I don't know that! I just know that no one has made me feel this way before, making my heart race like this, getting me all excited and hopeful.

 **Oh, Kami**. I think I'm in _love_ with him. Or, at least, have a _crush_ on him. ... **No no no no no! I can't believe this!** I've never even had a childhood friend or best friend before, let alone a crush!

Plus, I'm afraid of rejection. While I'm used to wandering and being alone, sometimes... **it's just too much to bear**. I'd feel lonely, sad, like I want someone to comfort me, if only for a short while. Like I want to come home.

But, when I think about him, it all goes away. I think about him and... I don't feel _as_ lonely anymore. Even I don't understand why.

When I meet him again... I don't think I could ever confess to him. It would just be awkward.

I'll just keep in these feelings and work on dancing. Even if it takes me **years** to catch up to him. Who knows? Maybe it's fate that I even encountered him.


End file.
